Humor Quotes

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

I learned to walk as a baby, and I haven't had a lesson since.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.

Dogs never bite me. Just humans.