Humor Quotes

One day, on tearing off some old bark, I saw two rare beetles, and seized one in each hand. Then I saw a third and new kind, which I could not bear to lose, so I popped the one which I held in my right hand into my mouth. Alas! it ejected some intensely acrid fluid, which burnt my tongue so that I was forced to spit the beetle out, which was lost, as was the third one.

He doubted whether any one with my nose could possess sufficient energy and determination for the voyage. But I think he was afterwards well satisfied that my nose had spoken falsely.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.