Humor Quotes
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
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