God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

First come the innovators, then come the imitators, then come the idiots.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.