God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head. You just can't do that with a piano.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.