God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.

When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.