Humor Quotes

When I was a small boy in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and... we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.

There is one thing about being President - nobody can tell you when to sit down.

I do have one instruction for you, General. Do something about that damned football team.

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame - Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.

My constant prayer, these days, as I start my backswing is, 'Oh, please let me swing slowly.' The trouble is that sometimes I wonder whether I swing at all; whether I am not strictly a chopper."

First, of things relating to animals; secondly, of irrational creatures; thirdly of plants; fourthly, of ceremonies; fifthly, of manners; sixthly, of cases or edicts or quarrels; seventhly, of cases that are impossible in nature [paradoxes], as, for instance, of those things which, the more is taken from them, the more they grow. And reserve the great matters till the end, and the small matters give at the beginning.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority are possessed of two great qualities--a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

I may say that I 'got along fine' with Marshal Stalin. He is a man who combines a tremendous, relentless determination with a stalwart good humor. I believe he is truly representative of the heart and soul of Russia.

The authorities liked to say that we received a balanced diet; it was indeed balanced - between the unpalatable and the inedible.

You sharpen your ideas by reducing yourself to the level of the people you are with and a sense of humour and a complete relaxation, even when you're discussing serious things, does help to mobilise friends around you. And I love that.

I can't help it if the ladies take note of me; I am not going to protest.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.

A joke is a very serious thing.

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.