Humor Quotes

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.

Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.

If I ever have any back-up dancers, I want the penguins from Madagascar.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks - it says, Goodbye.

I think people appreciate a songwriter who shows different sides. The whole angst thing is cool, but if that's all you've got, it's just boring. Everything I write, whether it's happy or sad, has a sense of humor to it.

Alcohol is the devil and I need Chinese food.

Voting for Trump is like asking me to drive a car.

I asked the guy who made the sound effects for the radio shows how he got the sound of the electric chair and he said it was bacon sizzling. What about broken bones? The guy took out a LifeSaver and crushed it between his teeth.

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

A girl has to have a beautiful smile, Beautiful eyes and she should have a good sense of humor. She should be Honest, loving and trustworthy.

So remember this is a bieber world, your just living in it. Bieber or die.

Whenever I'm sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever!

My first date has been...mythologized as 'Bieber's Dating Disaster.' I took her to a buffet restaurant. Yes, I wore a white shirt. Yes, I got spaghetti.

Some people tap their feet, some people snap their fingers, and some people sway back and forth. I just sorta do 'em all together, I guess.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

When I started singing, I weighed 153 pounds. I weigh 184 now. I haven't gotten any taller, but I'm putting on a little more weight.

I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head. You just can't do that with a piano.