I can't help it if the ladies take note of me; I am not going to protest.

It is a very fine thing to refuse an invitation, but it is a good thing to wait till you get it first.

Humor is kindly. Wit is caustic.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.