Wit Quotes

I can't help it if the ladies take note of me; I am not going to protest.

The authorities liked to say that we received a balanced diet; it was indeed balanced - between the unpalatable and the inedible.

I'm getting sick and tired of people saying that this movement has been infiltrated by Communists. There are as many Communists in this freedom movement as there are Eskimos in Florida.

The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.

Never trust a man who has not a single redeeming vice.

I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place.

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whisky. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

He has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

A joke is a very serious thing.

If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.

I do not admire people who are wise after the event. I would rather be impaled on the other horn of the dilemma and be called one of the "I told you so's."

[I am] horribly entangled with the Ancient Britons, the Romans, the Angles, Saxons and Jutes, all of whom I thought I had escaped from for ever when I left school!