Wit Quotes

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income.

All autobiographies are lies. I do not mean unconscious, unintentional lies: I mean deliberate lies.

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Humor is kindly. Wit is caustic.

Upon meeting, you're judged by your clothes, upon parting you're judged by your wits.

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. May not one lost soul be permitted to abstain?

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

The business man - a man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.