The educated man is a greater nuisance than the uneducated one.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Humor is kindly. Wit is caustic.