Wit Quotes

I'm not Beethoven!

I won't say anything 'cause no one ever listens to me, anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.

Radiohead didn't copy The 1975, they're fucking Radiohead. They could steal my actual legs and and I'd not be bothered anyways.

We came to South America originally because we were invited down. They wanted four wholesome lads to play some nice music. Now I'd like to buy up the entire continent and install myself as President.

Oh, I was not made for heaven. No, I don't want to go to heaven. Hell is much better. Think of all the interesting people you're going to meet down there.

About ten years ago, I knew three chords on the guitar. Now, in 1982, I know three chords on the guitar.

If I didn't do this well, I just wouldn't have anything to do... I can't cook, and I'd be a terrible housewife.

You know something? There's been a lot of rumors lately about a certain band called Queen. The rumors are that... The rumors are that we're gonna split up. What do you think? [audience replies "No!"] [Pointing to his posterior] They're talking from here!

I hate pockets in trousers ... By the way, I do not wear a hose. My hose is my own. No coke bottle, nothing stuffed down there.

When I was a little baby, I remember that one moment of calm, peace. And three minutes after that, it was on.

I definitely did look up to John. We all looked up to John. He was older and he was very much the leader; he was the quickest wit and the smartest.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

Donald Trump is the president. It's not a bad dream. It really happened. It's like being dumped by a lover and also being stuck in a nightmare.

It's very important to have two tiaras when you're on the road. You never know when you'll be invited to something really formal.

Welcome to the world of bullshit, my dear. You have arrived.

We have a society where every hit maker and TV presenter is gay.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.