Upon meeting, you're judged by your clothes, upon parting you're judged by your wits.

About ten years ago, I knew three chords on the guitar. Now, in 1982, I know three chords on the guitar.

If I didn't do this well, I just wouldn't have anything to do... I can't cook, and I'd be a terrible housewife.

You know something? There's been a lot of rumors lately about a certain band called Queen. The rumors are that... The rumors are that we're gonna split up. What do you think? [audience replies "No!"] [Pointing to his posterior] They're talking from here!

I hate pockets in trousers ... By the way, I do not wear a hose. My hose is my own. No coke bottle, nothing stuffed down there.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.