Humor Quotes

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

We are waiting for the long-promised invasion. So are the fishes.

Our dog chases people on a bike. We've had to take it off him.

"I hope, sir, that I will shoot your picture on your hundredth birthday." I don't see why not, young man. You look reasonably fit and healthy.

I neither want it [brandy] nor need it, but I should think it pretty hazardous to interfere with the ineradicable habit of a lifetime.

He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.

It is conceivable that I might well be reborn as a Chinese coolie. In such case I should lodge a protest.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

Mr. Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.

I look like a down-and-out drunk who has been picked out of the gutter in the Strand.

I had a feeling once about Mathematics - that I saw it all. Depth beyond depth was revealed to me - the Byss and Abyss. I saw - as one might see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show - a quantity passing through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why it happened and why the tergiversation was inevitable but it was after dinner and I let it go.

It is a very fine thing to refuse an invitation, but it is a good thing to wait till you get it first.

Americans are funny people. First, you shock them, and then they put you in a museum.

There's no absolutes in life - only vodka.

People have to follow their hearts, and if their hearts lead them to Wal-Mart, so be it.

Bewildered, bewildered, you have no complaint. You are what you are, and you ain't what you ain't.

I sound like that old guy down the street that doesn't chase you out of his apple tree.

I find humor in just about every situation. Even the most serious situations. And I find if you use it right, it allows the listener not to feel so uncomfortable. Or to even empathize with that character.

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.