Humor Quotes

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats, though.

It's not an underground tool for me. It's my whole life. I always joke the real motivation is to just turn the world gay.

My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, 'I can see you, because you have no pants on.' So I'll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.

Asking for financial advice from a financial planner is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.

Taking jobs to build up your resume is the same as saving up sex for old age.

First come the innovators, then come the imitators, then come the idiots.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes.

I'd like to say "thank you" on behalf of the group and ourselves and I hope we passed the audition.

That's part of our policy, is not to be taken seriously, because I think our opposition, whoever they may be, in all their manifest forms, don't know how to handle humor.

It came in a vision - a man appeared on a flaming pie and said unto them, 'From this day forward you are Beatles with an A.' Thank you Mister Man, they said, thanking him.

I love to trick or treat. I love dressing up like some kind of monster and knocking on doors. Nobody knows it's me, and I get candy.

If I'm gonna write songs about my exes, they can write songs about me. That's how it works.

An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

One day, on tearing off some old bark, I saw two rare beetles, and seized one in each hand. Then I saw a third and new kind, which I could not bear to lose, so I popped the one which I held in my right hand into my mouth. Alas! it ejected some intensely acrid fluid, which burnt my tongue so that I was forced to spit the beetle out, which was lost, as was the third one.

He doubted whether any one with my nose could possess sufficient energy and determination for the voyage. But I think he was afterwards well satisfied that my nose had spoken falsely.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.