The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

I have always had a talent for irritating women since I was fourteen.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

Alcohol is the devil and I need Chinese food.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.