My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockhead enough to have me.

It's a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter's husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.