A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."

It's a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter's husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.