Humor Quotes

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it wouldimprove the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.