Humor Quotes

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

The trouble with censors is that they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

I learned to walk as a baby, and I haven't had a lesson since.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

When it comes to gossip, I have to readily admit men are as guilty as women.

Dogs never bite me. Just humans.

When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.

I have always had a talent for irritating women since I was fourteen.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

I usually eat four or five raw carrots with my meat, and that is all. I must be part rabbit; I never get bored with raw carrots.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member.

Humor is the sublime wisdom of pity and tolerance in which man recognizes the utter futility of his own enterprise and importance.