Microphones are just like people, if you shout at them, they get scared.

I am alive and well and unconcerned about the rumors of my death. But if I were dead, I would be the last to know.

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.

I look like a down-and-out drunk who has been picked out of the gutter in the Strand.

A moderately honest man with a moderately faithful wife, moderate drinkers both, in a moderately healthy house: that is the true middle class unit.

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.