Funny Quotes
How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
There is one thing about being President - nobody can tell you when to sit down.
When I was a small boy in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and... we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
We are waiting for the long-promised invasion. So are the fishes.
It is conceivable that I might well be reborn as a Chinese coolie. In such case I should lodge a protest.
Mr. Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right.
I look like a down-and-out drunk who has been picked out of the gutter in the Strand.
I had a feeling once about Mathematics - that I saw it all. Depth beyond depth was revealed to me - the Byss and Abyss. I saw - as one might see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show - a quantity passing through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly why it happened and why the tergiversation was inevitable but it was after dinner and I let it go.
It is a very fine thing to refuse an invitation, but it is a good thing to wait till you get it first.
"I hope, sir, that I will shoot your picture on your hundredth birthday." I don't see why not, young man. You look reasonably fit and healthy.
I'm totally anti-nostalgia; I never listen to old Rolling Stones records. I'm not really interested in them. They're funny, sometimes, to hear.
Americans are funny people. First, you shock them, and then they put you in a museum.
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