Funny Quotes
I guess what I always found funny was the human condition. There is a certain comedy and pathos to trouble and accidents. Like, when a driver has parked his car crookedly and then wonders why he has the bad luck of being hit.
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Rod Stewart, Elton John and I were going to form a band called Hair, Nose & Teeth after the three of us. But it hasn't happened because none of us can agree on the order of the words!
When I first met him [David Beckham] I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face.
As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
If I ever have any back-up dancers, I want the penguins from Madagascar.
Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks - it says, Goodbye.
A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning.
Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.
I've always wanted to smash a guitar over someone's head. You just can't do that with a piano.
My first date has been...mythologized as 'Bieber's Dating Disaster.' I took her to a buffet restaurant. Yes, I wore a white shirt. Yes, I got spaghetti.
Taking jobs to build up your resume is the same as saving up sex for old age.
Asking for financial advice from a financial planner is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.
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