When I was a small boy in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and... we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him that I wanted to be a real major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be President of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent. Leave that to me.

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

The sex illusion is not a fixed quantity: not what mathematicians call a constant. It varies from zero in my wife's case to madness in that of our stepsister.

First come the innovators, then come the imitators, then come the idiots.

The one piece of advice I can give you is, do what turns you on. Do something that if you had all the money in the world, you'd still be doing it. You've got to have a reason to jump out of bed in the morning.