Funny Quotes
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
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