We are waiting for the long-promised invasion. So are the fishes.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."

When I first met him [David Beckham] I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face.

Rod Stewart, Elton John and I were going to form a band called Hair, Nose & Teeth after the three of us. But it hasn't happened because none of us can agree on the order of the words!