An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

Smoking too much makes me nervous. Must lasso my natural tendency to acquire such habits. Holding heavy cigar constantly in my mouth has deformed my upper lip, it has a sort of Havana curl.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.