I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Don't throw me teddy-bears, I'm 23! I'm a man! Throw me condoms or money! Paper, not coins.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

I asked the guy who made the sound effects for the radio shows how he got the sound of the electric chair and he said it was bacon sizzling. What about broken bones? The guy took out a LifeSaver and crushed it between his teeth.

The way to deal with worldly people is to frighten them by repeating their scandalous whisperings aloud.