I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Don't throw me teddy-bears, I'm 23! I'm a man! Throw me condoms or money! Paper, not coins.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority are possessed of two great qualities--a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

I asked the guy who made the sound effects for the radio shows how he got the sound of the electric chair and he said it was bacon sizzling. What about broken bones? The guy took out a LifeSaver and crushed it between his teeth.