Humor Quotes

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

No one has needed favours more than I, and generally, few have been less unwilling to accept them.

In one faculty, at least, there can be no dispute of the gentleman's superiority over me, and most other men; and that is, the faculty of entangling a subject, so that neither himself, or any other man, can find head or tail to it.

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockhead enough to have me.

When a man hears himself somewhat misrepresented, it provokes him - at least, I find it so with myself; but when the misrepresentation becomes very gross and palpable, it is more apt to amuse him.

Douglas is playing cuttlefish, a small species of fish that has no mode of defending itself when pursued except by throwing out a black fluid, which makes the water so dark the enemy cannot see it.

Has it not got down as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to Death ?

Just think of such a sucker as me as President!

General McClellan and myself are to be photographed ... if we can be still long enough. I feel General McClellan should have no problem.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you, mine are still greater.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

My hair grows and grows; you cannot stop it - that fellow grows, it grows wild.

In china when you're one in a million, there are 1300 people just like you.

My wife thinks she's better than me at puzzles. I haven't given in on that one yet.