The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority are possessed of two great qualities--a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.