Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority are possessed of two great qualities--a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.