Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

My constant prayer, these days, as I start my backswing is, 'Oh, please let me swing slowly.' The trouble is that sometimes I wonder whether I swing at all; whether I am not strictly a chopper."

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four days.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out.