An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

My constant prayer, these days, as I start my backswing is, 'Oh, please let me swing slowly.' The trouble is that sometimes I wonder whether I swing at all; whether I am not strictly a chopper."

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.