I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockhead enough to have me.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.

I have always had a talent for irritating women since I was fourteen.