Humor Quotes

When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.

I have always had a talent for irritating women since I was fourteen.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

I usually eat four or five raw carrots with my meat, and that is all. I must be part rabbit; I never get bored with raw carrots.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member.

Humor is the sublime wisdom of pity and tolerance in which man recognizes the utter futility of his own enterprise and importance.

Humor is kindly. Wit is caustic.

Humor is the ability to discern in a kindly way the folly in what is considered normal, sublime behavior, and to discern the discrepancy in what appears as a truth.

How awful the thought of oneness-the yoga idea. One merging into all and all merging into one. Just think of merging into Herbert Hoover.

The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and applauding me because everybody understands me.

All I need is the opportunity,' I said confidently. He smiled. 'Seventeen's very young, and you look even younger.' I shrugged off-handedly. 'That's a question of make-up.' Karno laughed. That shrug, he told Sydney later, got me the job.

Through humour, we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant.

Be careful to trust a person who does not like wine.

The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

The sex illusion is not a fixed quantity: not what mathematicians call a constant. It varies from zero in my wife's case to madness in that of our stepsister.

The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.