Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Saving is a fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.