If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority are possessed of two great qualities--a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and applauding me because everybody understands me.

All I need is the opportunity,' I said confidently. He smiled. 'Seventeen's very young, and you look even younger.' I shrugged off-handedly. 'That's a question of make-up.' Karno laughed. That shrug, he told Sydney later, got me the job.

Through humour, we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant.

I do have one instruction for you, General. Do something about that damned football team.