When you're young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you're laughing again.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

"I hope, sir, that I will shoot your picture on your hundredth birthday." I don't see why not, young man. You look reasonably fit and healthy.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

The longer I live, the more convinced am I that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.

The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me.