Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.

The longer I live, the more convinced am I that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

A moderately honest man with a moderately faithful wife, moderate drinkers both, in a moderately healthy house: that is the true middle class unit.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.