Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.

The sex illusion is not a fixed quantity: not what mathematicians call a constant. It varies from zero in my wife's case to madness in that of our stepsister.

The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.

Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.

It's a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter's husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.