Humor Quotes

Alcohol is a very necessary article. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

A moderately honest man with a moderately faithful wife, moderate drinkers both, in a moderately healthy house: that is the true middle class unit.

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.

The way to deal with worldly people is to frighten them by repeating their scandalous whisperings aloud.

It's a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter's husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

No one has needed favours more than I, and generally, few have been less unwilling to accept them.

In one faculty, at least, there can be no dispute of the gentleman's superiority over me, and most other men; and that is, the faculty of entangling a subject, so that neither himself, or any other man, can find head or tail to it.

I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying; and for this reason; I can never be satisfied with any one who would be blockhead enough to have me.

When a man hears himself somewhat misrepresented, it provokes him - at least, I find it so with myself; but when the misrepresentation becomes very gross and palpable, it is more apt to amuse him.

Douglas is playing cuttlefish, a small species of fish that has no mode of defending itself when pursued except by throwing out a black fluid, which makes the water so dark the enemy cannot see it.

Has it not got down as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had starved to Death ?

Just think of such a sucker as me as President!

General McClellan and myself are to be photographed ... if we can be still long enough. I feel General McClellan should have no problem.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you, mine are still greater.