Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

There is one thing about being President - nobody can tell you when to sit down.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.