Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

My first date has been...mythologized as 'Bieber's Dating Disaster.' I took her to a buffet restaurant. Yes, I wore a white shirt. Yes, I got spaghetti.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.