Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

It is a very fine thing to refuse an invitation, but it is a good thing to wait till you get it first.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.