Taking jobs to build up your resume is the same as saving up sex for old age.

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."

I'm not interested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.

The sex illusion is not a fixed quantity: not what mathematicians call a constant. It varies from zero in my wife's case to madness in that of our stepsister.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.