Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't be violent. Leave that to me.

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, 'I can see you, because you have no pants on.' So I'll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.

I asked the guy who made the sound effects for the radio shows how he got the sound of the electric chair and he said it was bacon sizzling. What about broken bones? The guy took out a LifeSaver and crushed it between his teeth.

If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman or a new car!

So remember this is a bieber world, your just living in it. Bieber or die.