Quotes By Mark Twain

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

India has two million gods, and worships them all. In religion all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.

It is good to obey all the rules when you're young; so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

Homely truth is unpalatable.

Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.

You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.

A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificant by and by.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.